Update

It’s late I know but this afternoon I had my monthly follow up (a week early) with my psychiatrist. I’m down to six medications now after being taken off of my stimulate, which did not stimulate me whatsoever. I had a breakdown in psychiatrist office, which I’m sure he was not surprised by, however I was a little.

It almost felt like I was in a therapy appointment, not with the doc. Either way I am beyond myself. I still feel blah like I’m doing nothing, being nothing, noone. What do I do with myself besides cry and scream out in silent pain that my body is being torn apart? I see my skin moving, as though serpents are crawling/wiggling underneath my outter layer of skin. With this I also see and feel them popping out, through said skin which is just horrifying. I’d like to take any sharp object and cut them all out, but I won’t, not yet, I know they aren’t real.

But how do you tell your mind that something in which you know isn’t real is indeed not truth in existence?

Well back to my appointment…… first off the stimulate was giving me headaches and migraines, more than I already have and of course I ran out of my headache pills,  so that was fun…… also it was putting me to sleep. This apparently is due in part to my sleep apnea, joy, so now I must find info on sleep study and what not.

My moods have shifted, which has been annoying and increased with fury.

Whoa all the sudden I’m extremely tired…will complete update tomorrow…

×Well it’s tomorrow and I have no idea where I was going with this post, so yeah. Right now I require help with my mind/body on what is going on with it. For one I sleep too much and anywhere, almost as though a narcoleptic would. My memory is going down the tubes. Headaches and/or migraines everyday, I don’t get a break. My patience is running thin with everything and everyone, I’m just annoyed 24/7, which has never been me until now. Ahh!

I’ll perhaps post something new later today as brain dog has hit.

So I’m stupid

So I’m not sure what’s going on but lately I’ve been blah. Now this blah isn’t blah depression, just blah something, may be blah lost or confusion but I feel stupid.

Yes I used the word many of us feel from time to time, stupid, but it has become something more, much more.

I am newly 30 years old, living with Bipolar 1, schizo-effective, anxiety, and ptsd and I take medication for it. Now through the 10+ years my body has been treated like a guinea pig with countless amounts of medicine, that now today some side effects have surfaced to 100%. This is beyond the tolerable of 0-99%.

I feel dumb, stupid, you pick the word, either way I have lost my spark.

One thing is that I am losing my reasoning comands, I have been finding it difficult to read and spell certain key basic words, and so on.

I’m scared that I’m losing it……

I have appt with psychiatrist tomorrow, therapy in two weeks, my loving Turtle every day, my lovely dogs Tuscany and Tulip everyday as well, so I’m going to try and make the most of what I can.

How do you ask for help when you’re not sure what the problem is but admit that there is one?

1st session

Today was the day, I started therapy, I survived.

First answer…….it was a guy(okay…)

Second……he wants to see me once a week for four weeks(is this normal….), then go from there, but not available til the 28th(ehhh…)

Third….he gave me homework sheets (haven’t dissected them yet)

So apparently first session was about my past and current problems, which is troubling since I’m the type of person that once something happens I sweep it under the rug, burn it and forget about. That is until the ashes are pouring out everywhere and I am faced with the past. My current problems on the other hand are just as bad. My bipolar rollercoaster is driving me insane, the hallucinations have apted up production, the anxiety I have towards life’s events is hindering my relationship, the past event that triggered my ptsd has floated to presence and so much more.

Well that’s enough for now, as I am losing my marbles, I can’t keep my thoughts straight. Such is the madness of my mind.

Tomorrow’s the day…

Well tomorrow is my return to therapy and I am a bit nervous, while putting on the brave face of ‘I don’t care.’ I don’t even know who I’ll be talking to or sitting across tomorrow. I requested to be seen by a female for personal reasons…DUH!..but I have a feeling the scheduling agent put me with a male therapist…ARG!..not sure how that would go. The anxious bipolar side of me is saying to just chill and wait and see what happens, while the OTHER anxious bipolar side of me is screaming because it wants to crawl out of my skin.

Whoa did just give my label a physical and true characteristics? Ha, so me.

I’ll be sure to write after my session.

Tulip update

My furbaby Tulip was able to get her bloodwork and EKG yesterday thanks to the generosity of those who donated on her gofundme page.

The results were immediate for the EKG, which was “perfectly fine” according to the vet tech. The bloodwork we had to wait a few hours for, and it was mainly good news. Her heart and liver functions were good, the only things that were a concern to the vet was that her blood sugar was low and her kidney enzymes were high. Both her sugar and kidney enzymes will be tested out again prior to surgery, if Tulip’s fundraiser gains any funds.

So thank God she is as healthy as she can be.

As for her tumors, they are just benign, not cancerous and can be removed easily if her papa and I wish to go down that road, which more than likely not.

Therapy here I come

Well as you can guess from the title I found someone, a therapist finally in my grasp who is accepting new patients, covered by insurance, close enough to take tbe bus need be, and avaliable on my schedule(so far.) We’ll see for sure this coming Monday if this person is any good. I mean I already filled out the monotonous paperwork online and submitted it to the therapist. Here’s to praying it goes well. Ahhhhhh……I can already see it, I have nothing to say. FUCK what do I talk about, there are so many things rushing around in my brain. Crap, did I just make a mistake? I hope not. I know this is all in my head, haha……….

Therapy Frustration

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So about two weeks ago I decided I needed to go back to therapy, yay. I thought it’d be easy to find a new therapist, sike! My last therapist just didn’t rub me the right way, she had alterer motives I believed at the time, yet continued until it all just became outrageous. The price, location, frequency, the rehash of a questionnaire at the beginning of each appointment, her being late, het being on the computer the whole time I talked, and the fact of privacy swayed her. Ever have any of these problems? If so how did you handle them?

So needless to say I wasn’t going back. Now I am at a point that I believe I need therapy again, so I went on the insurance website, searched for a therapist in my plan, and zeroed in on the radius of location I can get to, riding the bus if need be.

My list came up, I wrote down names, numbers, and addresses, sat down and called each and every single one of them. Well needless to say I stood up and walked away from my note pad fed up. Online all of them said they were accepting new patients, but when I called NO, NOPE they weren’t, not a single one from my list of twelve. Mind you of the twelve the receptionists at seven tried at least three or four others than the original therapist I initialnaly inquired about.

So now I don’t know if I should give up, or expand my search knowing I may not get someone within my parameters…….

Psychiatrist appt. & new medicine

This afternoon after 4 resecduled appointments(he was on vacation) I FINALLY saw my psychiatrist. And boy it was an extra long visit. I always show up 15-30min before my scheduled time and usually seen right away, today was no different; except for the fact instead of an in and out 5min appointment it was a 21min appointment.

I stated my case, I screamed a little when he wouldn’t understand that I and I mean only ME know s my body more than anyone else. I urged to be taken off as many medicines as possible as I am was on seven Bipolar/Schizo-effective/& Anxiety medicines….. well after all that the only one removed and replaced was that off the anti-zombie pill I called Modafinal, to some stimulate med that the pharmacy won’t have ready until tomorrow.

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Xanax, Lithium, Latuda and Vraylar are just a few of what I am on. And it sucks! Everyday I take pills three times and each time I think “why?” Why I am taking medicine, why so many, so many WHY questions that irritate me that I just swallow them and walk away like life sucks. At the same time I think “well….”

So yeah, I have lost my train of thought, just wanted to update on the day.

Please any words of encouragement to continue forward are welcomed.

And once I get my new med tomorrow I will be sure to write about it as I have a follow up in 3 weeks..

Rocky R.I.P.

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Rocky was a blast having as a companion. I have not spoken of him for awhile, not because I don’t love him, rather because I couldn’t write about him without crying uncontrollably. While not a human, my first dog was a treasure. He brought many great times, laughter and tears to my life.

I remember the day my mother brought him home, he was sitting politely in the back seat, with a bag of food, toy and bowl next to him. He was wearing a green color and had a chained leash. He was a true male chihuahua, proud and excited to be at his forever home.

My brother and I had an expierance in our past with dogs, so it was thought it’d take some time to warm up to Rocky, however, my heart melted when my mom took him out the car and into the garage. We made our introductions there before moving into the house, where Rocky marked his territory, he was ours, he was home.

Still a puppy, he had yet to be neutered, but was eligible to be in exactly one month, so in one month he was fixed. My parents, brother and I all missed him dearly, since Rocky had to stay over night at the vets. He came home and continued to bring joy, love and laughter to our lives.

Well that was the beginning years….

I couldn’t even beginning to write how he changed my life, my family’s life….

For twelve years he was the best dog anyone could have asked for. He taught me truly how to love animals….

September will be two years since his passing, which was horrific, as any dog/cat/any animal owner knows, Rocky passed away before my mom’s, fiance and my eyes…… I am teary eyed now, but I am happy to say and think that he waited for someone to come home, as to say “good-bye” before he crossed over to the Rainbow bridge.

*tears*

I know I will see him again…

*tears*

I thought when Rocky passed I’d give up on the love of another dog, but life is funny. Turtle and I have rescued two wonderful chihuahuas that we wake up to every morning, Tuscany and Tulip.

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**do you have a pet(s) that you’ve lost, currently love, or want to get? What are your stories?**