Weekend Wrap up

Yesterday I said good bye to a dear friend of mine, and it still doesn’t feel real. Today the fiance and I went to her mom’s to pay last respects through conversation of remembrance. I miss her so much. I see where Rachael got her attitude from, it made me smile. Friends and family wrote little messages on balloons that will be released once her ashes are scattered in Trinidad to travel as far and wide as possible. Rach always wanted to travel, so it’d be cool to hear from people that find a balloon or two with our messages.

Now this week I should receive the results of my EEG/EKG in home study results on my head and heart and they better find something wrong. My chest is tight, it is constricting and hurts and I’m having dizzy spells and fainting a lot. This sucks!

I am driving myself crazy here. I just want answers.

I feel like a fool.

It seems like no matter what I confess the doctors and even my family I feel at times think I’m making it all up.

Why?

My birthday is in a week and I kind of dont want to celebrate it this year as Rach and I along with the fiance were making plans to celebrate together with eating at my favorite restaurant, Cheesecake Factory and going to see the new Marvel Antman and The Wasp movie. My my parents say I should still celebrate, but my bestie is gone. Turtle says whatever I want he’ll support. So yeah…

Well I am currently listening to Nsync on Pandora per Rachael’s rememberance and smiling and crying…

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R.I.P. Dear Rachael

It’s been a few days since I heard the news of my friend Rachael passing away. The emotions are still very raw and unbelievable that such an event took place. I will never forget that call, the call that changed everything for me, Turtle, all her friends and family.

I actually fell asleep early two nights ago, as I have been dealing with back and chest pain, but something inside said “WAKE UP!” I turned over like a pancake, looked at the phone, closed my eyes and shook my head; I didn’t know the number but I figured at around 1am it may be an emergency. It was, the emergency call was from an ex friend who was calling on behalf of Miss Deborah, Rachael’s mom to say that she had passed. I was and still am in disbelief of it all, like I said it has only been two days but I still have yet to wrap my head around it.

At 30 years of age, my friend since sixth grade and bestie in both middle and high school was gone. We just saw each other a few days ago, not even a week ago when I was in the hospital for the third time along with her mom, who was waiting to get an xray of her wrist. JUST A FEW DAYS AGO WE SAW EACH OTHER AND ALL WAS WELL ENOUGH, I MISS MY FRIEND.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS, SOME OF THE THINGS WE USED TO DO AND WE EVEN BEGAN PLANNING FOR MY BIRTHDAY COMING UP ON THE 15TH. WE WERE GOING TO GO TO THE MOVIES AND HAVE A LAUGHING RIOT. WOW HER LAUGH, I’LL NEVER HEAR IT AGAIN! MAYBE IN HER DAUGHTER I WILL, BUT WOW HER DAUGHTER IS ONLY NINE YEARS, HOW WILL SHE GROW UP REMEMBERING HER MOM?

RACH, HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS, AND WE ALL WILL DO WHATEVER WE CAN TO HELP HER MOM AND DAUGHTER OUT.

MY THOUGHTS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE, I CAN’T WRITE LOGICALLY ANYMORE RIGHT NOW…JUST SEND YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TOWARDS RACHAEL’S FAMILY AND FRIENDS RIGHT NOW, WE ALL NEED THEM.

RACH, YOU ARE AND WILL BE MISSED, YOUR SMILE, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR EYES, FOREVER IN MY HEART YOU ARE, LOVE YA GIRL

mental & physical health update

mental

so i saw my psychiatrist on Monday, gave him an ear full and got NOTHING! all he did was take me OFF the vraylar AGAIN and put me on an old medicine that didn’t work in the past, HALODAL. He thinks it will work THIS TIME around but i don’t. thus I’m in a pickle, PICKLE RICK! yes. i had to wait two days before my pharmacy had it in stock, so tonight will be night two and then i don’t see this quack for TWO MONTHS! two LONG ass months! i’m losing my mind, my voices and hallucinations are out of whack, but to be honest i just feel like giving up and stop taking my meds. NOW in reality, I’m not going to stop taking them, cause i know the consequences and the outcome of what will be if i stop. i just despise having to take medication in order to be SOMEWHAT sane for OTHERS sake.

physical

my back pain put me in the hospital twice in the past week. those that KNOW me know that i ONLY go to the hospital for physical pain when it is absolutely excruciating, so yes it was bad.

on my first trip i had the normal blood work and ct scan done and was sent home with pain meds and told i had pinched nerves in my lower back. well i am already screwed on my allergies to medicine, but ONE of the pain killers the er docs sent me home with i became allergic to, so i now had to add to my list. i thought i could survive but in three days time i was having difficulty walking, standing, LIVING so to er i went again…

now trip two i had a hernia, the pinched nerves, tightness of chest, ahhhh just PAIN! so more blood work, another ct scan, chest xray, 2 ekg s, abdominal ultrasound. all this and i was told my liver enzymes were 3x the normal limit, that my liver was sending toxins into my blood and needed to see gi doc asap! TUESDAY is soonest. and also need to see a neurologist to check out my spine. NO pain meds this time around. i was and am screwed. i have been bed ridden with limited activity around the house. i can’t even walk the doggies, they both have been keeping me company in bed however.

well that is my erratic update for now, taata and goodnight fellow bloggers

what i need v want

Today i felt broken. like i have lost everything that once matter. my emotional state is unclear and unfocused. i vacillated with idea of baker acting myself voluntarily, as i am not sure i can make it to monday to see my psychiatrist. this is bad, ive had bad before but this is worst. i need a padded cell with a straight jacket and possible feeding tube. ahhh

My hands…

There’s blood on my hands. Not because I hurt someone, though I have hurt myself, but there’s blood everywhere and I cant wash it away. I don’t understand where it came from bbn or why it has now appeared but I’m freaking and I’m scared. I was in the bathroom for five minutes washing my hands with hot water and nothing, it’s still there. I know this is a hallucination, not real since it isn’t going anywhere but I don’t know why. Right now all I can do is look at my palms and wonder what I’ve done to deserve this, why am I cursed? This just isn’t normal then again what do I know of normal? I’ve never been normal, I mean even this bipolar crap I deal with isn’t normal.

Its challenging living this way, day in and day out. My body is giving up on me. I want to quit. This is how I feel, no one can say it is okay because it is NOT. There is nothing okay about wanting to die because you’ve lost your mind. There is nothing okay about living a life with falsehoods all around. I am tired. What help is there for me?

I talk with Turtle, I feel like I scare him. Dad just wants to baby me, not what I want or need. Mom seems to nbn always throw it in another direction. Dogs just love me to take them out, feed them, and love them. I feel I have pushed everyone and everything away. Besides my cousin, turtle’s family, and some of my own I have run out of people to speak with, to scare with my reality and I’m sorry. It sucks but I don’t know what the meaning of “friends” is anymore, if I ever did. I’m speaking my truth here and now. I’m tired.

My tears fall upon blackness stained. Unseen. Unidentifiable. Unnoticeable. Wow I know some words.

Well the blood is back and firing rapidly down my arms. I can feel the blood burn my skin and it trickles down, didnt know blood could do that, burn. Please tell me it isn’t just me, that this does happen. I’ve lost my mind. Will I ever get it back? Can I find it? Or is it like once you lose it it’s gone forever?

I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do. I’d just like to crawl up and be in armadillo mode for awhile.