Sleep, my devil

Here I am at the close of the weekend and I am unsure where my life is heading, except towards a vague dark path. I say this because I have done a lot of wrong, and a lot of wrong has been done towards me. Perhaps not as much as I think, but I feel helpless.

I tried being positive, I tried being informative, I tried… I tried… and nothing! I know I should keep trying, however, I am discouraged when there is no progress. There is nothing but negativity and dispair it feels like. I’m tired…

I really need to get a handle on this falling asleep after taking my morning meds and breakfast. All my meds make me sleepy and dizzy, one reason I can’t hold a 9-5 job, which I’ve written about, but they keep some of my monsters at bay. I have talked with my psychiatrist about this and all he seems to care about is the monsters decreasing, but damn it I am sleeping all the damn time and I don’t like it, the hubby sure as heck doesn’t like it and the doggies, well they just sleep with me. I am not sure what to do, I’ve already cut one medicine out, but nothing, it seems to have gotten worse I think.

I have many projects in my studio to work on, exercise I should be doing, baking treats, all kinds of things but I fall asleep. AHHH! What do I do? I can’t keep doing this. I am losing my sanity, if it ever was there. I’m losing my relationships. I’m losing my health. The anxiety and panic attacks have increased and no amount of xanax helps, I mean it puts me to sleep, and that is a no no.

Coffee? You guessed it, it puts me to sleep, so if I do have some it’s at night to calm me down. The hubby and pops suggested going back to my energy smoothies in the morning, so I’m going to try that. I’ll try not to wake up anyone with the blender, hehehe.

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Catch up

So I haven’t written since the weekend and seeing as another weekend is approaching I thought I get on it. I went to the gastrointestinal doctor on Monday, all tests are normal, so started treatment for overgrowth of bacteria(yum) and will revisit in a month. Saw primary doc on Tuesday, and he’s sending me to get xrays of my ribs and foot done. Also got some pain pills and a new inhaler. Wednesday came and went for me, much like today. I’ve been overly depressed and bitchy towards the world and everyone in it. I’m tired of being tired and depressed and in pain all the time. It’s sickening. That’s about it for now, hopefully inspiration hits soon.

Life

Linken Park is what is playing right now in my life.

Had an up and down kind of weekend. Things happened that I can’t forget but wish I could. I really wish I could go back in time and change things, but I k ow I can’t. Must move on and learn and get positive.

Went to see the G.I. doc today for test results from bloodwork. No celiac disease, but being treated for an overgrowth of bacteria, yuk.

Tomorrow I see my primary doc about my ribs and some refills on headache/migraine pills. Oh joy!

May write some more later tonight, if not tomorrow, I am tired.

My issue: obesity

The issue I’m dealing with now is my weight. After some weeks of acceptance I find myself in a rut that I am no where indeed happy with my body. I have curves and thought I loved them. I didn’t have anything to show them off, I was always wearing baggy shirts and leggings. But now I am fed up. I want to be happy, but how? I love food. I’m hypoglycemic so I eat small meals throughout the day. I do eat more at night, just because I’m up and not really doing much.

Damn…

I know I need healthier snacks, and exercise(walking my dogs isn’t enough), and I need to cut out my fixations of Dunkin Donuts and Slurpees.

It hurts when I hurt my body…

Ahh…

It costs more money to be healthier, especially when the grocery bill is already up there.

And actually I know what one of my problems is, and I hate when I hear it from the hubby or pops, but I start doing something good for myself, then I see it working a bit and then I quit. I mean I lost 22lbs in three months and now in no th four I’ve all but gained it back.

I feel hopeless, helpless, ehh whichever, if not both.

Well I should be in bed sleeping, just waiting for my pills to kick in to send me to lala land.

Today’s update

So I’ve done something new, I got an Instagram account for the girls, Tuscany and Tulip. Since I am always taking pictures of them, I decided why not.

Besides that…

I should have never went back to sleep this morning, cause when I woke for the second time I had a massive migraine headache. So bad that I wore a hat, sunglasses on top of my transitions, and a scarf covering my eyes to walk the dogs. I forgot today was landscaping day here at the complex, because I needed ear plugs as well. Needless to say that walk was horrendous for me and I came back inside and curled up under the blankets with the dogs. Dogs are great companions.

After waking up a third time in the morning I had enough strength to drag myself to my medicine chest and take some magic pills.

It took some time, but finally I could partake in the day…

Today I cooked dinner for the guys, fried cubed steak and scalloped potatoes, and I had a salad, yum. After wards some chilling time, and then I had a magical hour with Turtle at Wal-Mart walking around and Dunkin Donuts getting my fix of an iced hazelnut coffee.

Now back to reality…

Sadly the little one couldn’t hold her bladder and had a little accident, while her big sis was waiting by the door to greet and let us know of the mishap.

What a day…And it isn’t quite over yet…Oh yeah did I forget to mention with the migraine and all this morning, I forgot to take my morning meds? Opps! Can’t let that happen again. Good night

06:30am rant

It’s been awhile since over been awake this early after sleeping all night, 6:30am and I’m in awe. Well really I should be so much, since I fell asleep for three hours yesterday evening, ate, took my meds(yes I took them despite my hatred for them at the moment) and fell right back to sleep. Thing is I started off in bed and somehow I ended up on the sofa. Don’t remember how I got there or who took me there, either way I slept great. Had one of my favorite pillows and my grandma’s crochet blanket, which I love and had no nightmares for once.

Tuscany of course just woke up realizing I wasn’t in bed with her and she started howling, so had to attend to her before the hubby and her sister woke up. It’s still too early for them.

I do have a task I must complete and it is all about coupons. How and where do I get them? Are there any apps I can use? If so please advise. I already have the Publix app with digital coupons, but I need more 😉 my local paper stopped printing their Thursday ones, and now just do advertisements. Any help will greatly be appreciated.

Meds

Do you ever not want to take your meds? I’ve been fighting this for some time, I really don’t want to take pills anymore for my bipolar amoung my other mental illnesses. I fight everyday 3x daily to choke down my pills and be happy, but it just doesn’t seem right. Ahh… I’m over thinking, time to take night meds and fall sleepy sleep.