was hell on wheels for me. they wouldn’t leave me alone, if you read last night’s blog you know who they are, if not, i speak of my monsters, my hallucinations. these are both visual and auditory and i am tired. tired is too meek a word, rather exhausted of dealing with things that arent there.
my hallucinations scare and bother me. they scare me because at times i see flashes of a distopian world that cannot exist with the people i see in them, dead people. normally seeing a dead person is not so intrusive in my life, but when my brain distorts them this bothers me. it scares me seeing monsters, worst than some horror movies ive seen because i cant tell that they arent real. i get scared for instance that the monster in my art studio is going to eat me alive. but not before she digs her nails and razor sharp teeth into my fatty skin and suck all the blood right out of me. i get scared when i see the same little boy hanging from my third floor balcony. i get scared when i see the attack group, partial members, and they are running towards me with weapons and ropes to recreate the attack again……this one hallucination is also one of my recurring nightmares, so not in the land of the living or in the land of dreams do i feel safe.
they are right here surrounding me at the table as i write and it’s terrifying, especially since the black holes are back, except this time they are crisom red, not sure what this means but yeah. the voices are amping up in volume and violence that it is becoming quite difficult to write at the moment. my head hurts! i’m literally sitting here crying now and i just want it to be done for. i want these damn hallucinations to leave me the hell alone.
…night meds and an extra xanax to calm me down enough to a disturbed sleep.
they’re back, and in full over drive. of course i speak of the hallucinations, both visual and auditory. this sucks! it has been a couple of days now and i am ready for it to be over. sadly i know it won’t be over any time soon and that i must find cooping mechanisms to remain in the here and now.
when it comes to the visual hallucinations it bothers me the most when i see people i know cannot be there, for they are beyond dead, also people that are on opposite sides of the world. however the monsters freak me out, one in particular is she is a tall, evil looking woman in my studio who is sitting by the window looking at me with blood dripping down her razor sharp teeth. her skin is sunken in and dark. i can see one lung partically and her wrist are bleeding. her fingers are short and have what i call hellbound rings on each of them. there is more to her but describing her gives her power and makes her real. she is NOT real!
Title says it all, 5A.M. and I’m up. This may seem like no big deal, until you come to find out I didn’t fall asleep until around 2A.M. and was awakened around 4:30A.M. because Tulip, the senior dog woke Turtle and I up. She just wasn’t feeling well, and showed us, in ways that at 4:30 in the morning I wasn’t quite prepared for. After a short walk outside to relieve her kidneys and get some fresh air she began to feel much better that as soon as we came inside she ran to her bed, and dug her little tunnel and went to sleep.
Well after all that I am wide awake, at least for a little while. I can feel the sluggish, sleepiness coming down upon me.
It has been almost two weeks since I have written here, I disappeared. Sorry, for health reasons beyond that of mental I had to clock out, but I’m back now and ready to get back on track. Let’s see my stomach and abdominal pain still are persistant and present, I had my colonoscopy done per GI doctor’s request where some tissue samples and a polyp were found and sent off to pathology. Now I’m waiting about 11, 12 more days until I hear the results and I’m both nervous and blah about it. I just want to know why I am in pain and perhaps I have taken the first steps forward into finding out what’s going on with my body.
I need to get back into the studio A.S.A.P. as the holidays are fast approaching and I’m already getting some interested clients on some of my paintings. I look at where I was a year ago working off my dining room table with a plastic table cloth, to now with my own room to paint and create in. It is so fun, even writing and thinking about it is making me smile; another reason to get my butt in there and start cranking out some masterpieces.
a little over a year ago in I wrote a blog entitled <…trouble explaining my mental illness…> where I spoke of how I told the people in my life about my Bipolar diagnosis and their reactions. Well here I am today having trouble explaining my mental illness to myself. Not sure where that sentence came from, but I feel at a loss for the thought. Has anyone else ever had this feeling? I’d really love some input on this one
Happy Hollows Day to everyone out there celebrating this day. I’ve only celebrated in the festivities twice in my life, once when I was 10 years old and once 2 years ago, at 28 years of age.
When I was ten my dad was surprised that my mother had never taken us trick-or-treating, so he took it upon himself to make some fun for my brother and I. The mall in our town had just opened up so they celebrated by hosting a huge Halloween day of all the stores passing out candy and stuffed animals. I must say I did have fun, I went dressed up as an Egyptian princess, which I thought was so cool at the time. This however stressed me and my brother out that we thanked our dad, but we weren’t interested in the whole concept of the day.
In the past my mother would get each of us a bag of our favorite candy and we’d go to town.
Two years ago I decided to take up the shield as an adult and see what Halloween was like now, also it was to be my cousin’s last Halloween before she had her baby girl. The night started out rocky but it was fun. Dancing, which I’m horrible at, good conversation, slight drinking, for me, lots of walking, and more dancing. My cousin dressed up as a zombie, since it was easy to do the make up and outfit, as it was from her job, cool. She also did my make-up as I was dressed as a Day of the Dead Skull girl.
These two expieriences are all I need for Halloween, maybe if some kiddos come into the mix then I’ll think about it.
Well good night everyone, and hope you’re enjoying your night celebrating.
well yesterday I had my appointment with psychiatrist and it was boring, in a good way, if that is possible…I told him I took myself off of one my medcines that was for sleep, but actually an anti-depressant, which I thought he was going to scold me about….needless to say he was impressed…I have to go back in two months to get re-evaluated and have my lithium levels checked…oh and I found out that I can eat/drink grapefruit while on the Latuda, so my happy butt will be adding that to my grocery list for the weekend.
I thought I woke up early, just happens to be the usual time to take the dogs oout on their first walk of the day. Upon checking my phone, the temperature is 48 degrees so they each get one of their thermal shirts to wear. Tuscany was sporting a blue shirt with a diamond and the word Flawless written across it, while Tulip sported the funniest shirt I’m wearing NOTHING under this shirt. I’m also excited that dad order them jackets for when/if it ever dips lower outside here in the Sunshine State.
Just wanted to do a morning blog to get the day started, I have my pshychiatrist appointment today, and boy there are going to be some interesting answers to some questions I have. So I shall try to write again later today, until then stay sane.