Week in review

Here I am playing the catch up game for the week.

I went to the ER on Sunday because I just couldn’t take the pain in my abdomen any more. After some hours, blood work, CT scan, IV fluids and meds everything came up normal except for low blood sugar and swelling on left side of belly. I was sent home to follow up with a GI doctor in two weeks.

Ahh joy…

Monday I spent the day with either end on the toilet and a bucket by my side. Pain, diarrhea and vomiting ruled my day. I couldn’t keep any food, water, or meds down.

I’m still in the same boat days later….

Tuesday my psychiatrist office called to reschedule my appointment for the 30th. Oh great, I am beyond pissed with him and his office staff.

Wednesday still miserable I had an appointment with pulmonary doc, which was productive since I will be getting a sleep study adjustment done so that I may get a CPAP machine and use it this go around. I had one years ago, 10+ years ago and I had problems wirh it. This was around the same time as my bipolar diagnosis so a lot was going on.

Thursday I was no longer considered a vegan since I ate fish. I know I have to eat healthier and I have been. Smaller meals too.

Today, Friday is the first day I was able to keep food down. Yay! We shall see how the weekend goes.

Advertisements

right now

I’m currently in my art studio, stuck, no clue on what my next project should be. I’d love to do some Nightmare Before Christmas themed paintings but I want to make it my own, not a copy. I’ve been practing my drawings of Jack, it is Sally who is befuddeling me. Such a pretty character, yet complex to get her stitches just right. 

For now, I hang my stitching needles up to advance towards other projects, which lead me here to write for a bit.

Painting and writing are my two escapes from reality, from the Bipolar world in which has encompassed me, the anxiety that fills my days. I have become somewhat of a hermit crab as I only go out if it has to do with the dogs or grocery shopping or pharmacy pick-up. We haven’t been to the movie theater in about a year now. This may seem like nothing but for a couple that used to frequent the theater every week this is drastic. *this is just one example, as life does happen*

Ahh, I guess this post is becoming more of a rant than a rave. 

I sit here in my studio and wonder what else, if anything else, I can do. I feel the growing up and biting of my lip that I have done was a waste.

Am I losing it all? Have I lost it?

I feel at times that there is noone for me to speak with, since those I do speak with criticize me it feels.

My health has not been the best. Yes I live with Bipolar and all its monsters, but this has to do with my stomach. As some of you may remember I had my gallbladder removed a few months back as it was functioning at 0% ZERO! Now the pain I had is back and has spread. This monster is slowly killing me it seems, I have follow-ups with the GI doctor(in 4 weeks) and my yearly with the OB/GYN(in 2 weeks) so hopefully if I can stand it a little longer, if not to the hospital I shall go.

I just heard Tulip wake up, so time to check in on her and Tuscany and see what what kind of trouble she’s getting into.

Take care

grandpa the film lover

It has been one of those days here in this lovely crazy state of mine. Currently I am in my room with Turtle, each on our devices writing, listening to music. Bruno Mars is the current track and I’m loving it, he knows how to speak to me when I have nothing to say or in this instance too much to say but don’t know where to start.

It’s Sunday night, the girls are asleep, well just Tulip, Tuscany is a night owl with us, mainly because we have snacks, pretzels tonight. Today, as with every Sunday that has passed since 2004 I find myself thinking about my grandpa. I think about all I have wanted to tell him, all the comings and goings in my life, the phone is next to me and for some reason my brain keeps thinking his name, number, and picture will show up. I think about how he would sound, how he’d ask how things are with me and the family, wow there’s a lot that has changed since 2004, a lot he need to be filled in on. Duh!

There is much to be said about my grandpa, but the first would be that of how dearly I miss him. Also since it’s been so long I would have to get his updated opinions on the latest movies, as you see he loved film, he would of married it if he didn’t love his wife Lucy so much. One of the last films he saw was Catch Me If You Can with Leonardo DiCaprio. I remember this because after he went to see it in the theater, he called and spoke to mom first then my brother and I about it.

I’d want to tell him that I found my Turtle, who also loves film, and is in the process of starting his career in the industry as a script writer. I know my grandfather would have smiled at this news and would have told me to put Turtle on the phone at once so he could speak with him. Forget it, Ibrahim would only call me, in order to speak with Turtle. Who knows I may have been out of a job as editor if my grandpa hadn’t died. I loved and still love that man today. He taught me many life lessons, I respected this man, still do.

The music has changed, my meds are beginning to kick in, and I still miss you grandpa; but I know you are in the heavens above watching over me and seeing all the films ever made, crtiquing them.

Fiction vs. Reality

Everything’s becoming melded together. It is difficult to differentiate between something that isn’t real and something that in all actuality is there.

I find it difficult to differentiate between the two because sometimes it’s just my imagination running wild or something completely wicked.

When this happens I shut down. I shut down to the world but mainly to myself. This shutdown mechanism is what I do sometimes in my panties. I guess what I’m used to say is that all effort into this one long thing one thing that I just can’t not snap out of.

My world is full of hatred and disgust. This is not by those who love and care for me but those entities that wish to torment and destroy my very being. I’ve had this for years if not most of my life, I can remember at age 7 I started seeing this woman with an electrified curly hair sticking up, towards the sky and just thinking what in the world is wrong with her, why is she here and as soon as I said this she started darting tore my direction with her red beady eyes and tormented me so that I drew a picture burned it and next thing I knew I saw her burn.

This entitles me to see if I draw or paint my nightmares my sights my hallucinations, my auditory hallucinations would they then disappear? However I try painting them and they’re still here Locked Away In My Mind and it sucks.

 

honesty right now

it has been some time since i have written here and well lets just say there is a laundry list of excuses. mainly i have been losing my thoughts and i have been tired. 

i started this blog with t he purpose of me talking about my varying mental illnesses, along with anything else that pops into mind. and i have done exactly that, and that is why i am telling you this one more thing….. my memory has been playing tricks with me. i have become more forgetful and more paranoid with the matter. i am constently having fights with myself on things that i swear happened but didn’t. i hate this, i hate that i am losing myself. i feel i am losing a battle that i don’t recall ever signing up for. this war is recking havoc with my life.

ahhhh. anyone else having or ever had such a problem?

what are some solutions or ideas for such thoughts?

Recovery

Recovery?

After some time of being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and an attempt on my life I was directed towards NAMI, a group that helps those individuals and their families cope with mental illness. Here I researched the group extensively and found a support group in my area to attend… I thought “why not” and took part in the idea of connecting with others in  similar situations…. At the time it did help me, then it became repetitive and monotonous so I decided against the practice but not until I went through one of the Peer to peer course in Recovery… Now this is where I got lost and thinking about it I am still lost on this course… Recovery, what the heck is that? It is stated that to be in recovery is to return to normal state of health, mind or spirit… Now how in the world am i suppose to return to NORMAL? Does normal even exist for me anymore, did it even exist at any time? I mean what the fraz? What are your thoughts..?

Just a Thought

Being on a bridge and not knowing if your going backwards or forward is tough, and being on a bridge whose only direction is forward is more direct. So why do you question the first with choices and the second with none?

Dear Lindsey

Dear Lindsey,

Today would have been your 27th birthday. It has been six years that I’ve been without you here on this earth for your birthday. I miss you dearly. You come up in conversation with Turtle at least once a day if not more, which is both disheartening and exciting.

You see because of you, Turtle and I wouldn’t be together today, you pushed me to talking back with him, and he accepted the gesture. We got engaged two Christmases ago and part of me prayed your be there when he asked. I like to think you were there and still here with us. It has been tough.

You were my bestie right from the moment our bus pulled up to Great Lakes Illinois, Recruit Training Command Center, in the snow. You sat next to me anytime we were told to sit and wait that night. That night I both remember clearly and also quite vaguely, since we had been up for over 24hrs.

Boot camp was not easy, but we pulled through as much as we could. You made it, you were strong. The fact that we remained besties is because we fought for each other, we helped the other out, plus your stories about your dad were hilarious. You were awesome.

Lindsey I miss you. I could talk about each day we spent together, which I sometimes do just to smile and laugh, but I won’t here because I cry. You know better than anyone that I do cry at our memories. I thought I’d lose you when the kids came around or when we had to battle who HE was, but you surpassed your young age.

Do you remember the first home visit to church and everyone thanked us for serving and also asked when we’d marry? Ha, we were just the closest besties out there. What about the time your mom asked me to make yellow rice with gandules because she never had them? I still remember her face, she was looking at the plate in disbelief, but oh she loved it so. Then my mother stuffed you with her famous cinnamon pecan swirl French toast? Ahh your little 5’0″ 100 and something pound self looked like she was prego with twins. We laughed at that since you said you’d never have kids, you just wanted to help those around you that you loved.

Today I credit a lot towards you making a better person, or you helping me through certain situations. I pray that I instilled some on your short life.

I remember the day we found out officially about my Bipolar diagnosis, we went to Starbucks, had our usual venti caramel frapachinos with soy milk and didn’t talk. This was perhaps the only time we said nothing for an hour until we went back home to base and cried. I think this was the only time you I saw you cry. Damn I miss you, so does Turtle cause he knows I wouldn’t be the pushover I am now if you were still here. But you know I will never blame you, you loved your job as a corpsman for the Navy and wanted to make a career out of it. And that you did.

Wow this letter is lengthy, could get much more lengthy with me writing it. But I just want to say one more thing, you were the best and always will be, because beyond the grave you still help me. You loved Penelope as your own, as did you with Josepha, Carlos, and Annalissia.

I love you Lindsey and I pray you know that and continue on with your guidance from up above. And to my followers, if you were able to make it through my fluffy letter to my bestie, you know that living with mental illness is no joke and you need to surround yourself with positive people; just know Lindsey was mine and I pray you all have a Lindsey in your life.

Sincerely,

Merced

Irma has come & gone

Screenshot_20170911-204529

Well it’s Monday night and Irma is on her way to Georgia and the Carolinas. Here in Florida we receive the force of hurricane Irma. This will be talked about for a while now and possibly be put in the history books. This is because Florida has not been hit with a category 5 or 4 storm since Hurricane Andrew in 1992. As many as you know by reading my previous blogs already knew this detail, this fact but here’s the detail and a fact that only as a Floridian you can know…..it’s not over, the devastation will longer for days, months, even years and there is no guarantee that we will ever fully recover.

One thing our governor said repeatedly is that we can replace your belongings but we cannot replace your lives.

I find it silly now that’s the only thing I’ve cared about was Turtle’s working station and the dogs comfort. I worried about everyone around me rather than just myself. I mean I had all my medicine ready in the bag and case God forbid something happens and the clothes on my back which I was happy with because they were comfy. But the dogs and turtle is what really worries me along with Dad and his insulin. It is almost unbelievable until we are still here in our apartment face with no damage. I mean outside there is minimal tree branches and leaves blowing around but nothing that is life-altering.

I sit here thinking of all the possibilities that could have been while at the same time thinking and telling myself to just shut up and be happy be grateful and thankful that my family and I are still here still here again still here. We did lose power around 1 a.m. Monday morning how was asleep and how is happy I took my meds and went to love always not knowing what land I will wake up to. With the power out it was time to use our preparations are Essentials our resources the dolls with said the breakfast that was already pre-made of boiled eggs and ham and I had a Pop-Tart. Proposal so there was no opening of the fridge and freezer this meant if you were to open either you must know what you were looking for and where it was which everyone complied with.

Luckily as the hours pass and afternoon came so did the power it was a blessing it was a good luck on our part I think. However my family that was elsewhere they was out of power and tonight are still out of power. So my prayers goes out to them that they are able to sleep have a good night’s rest and to wake up to air conditioning and power on in their places.

So I’m okay I’m just still a bit jittery and a bit still on pins and needles

Hurricane season is still Among Us here in Florida so we must remain diligent, after all Hurricane Jose is still out there in the Caribbean.

The worst is coming

As you can tell I’m in Florida and hurricane Irma has made land fall just south of Fort Lauderdale and is shaking up everyone here.

Tornado warning have plaqued the wires today, but tonight is when the worst will hit in central Florida where I’m at. I am on pins and needles but trying to remain as calm as I can. It’s been windy all day and raining off and on. For the next 12-24 will be crucial for Floridians.

I’m worried, but my family and I have done all we can do. My dogs are both taking it good. One is in her safety room sleeping, while the other won’t leave my side.

I will update more later on, weather permitting. Take care my readers, and pray for all of Florida.