Free write

Today I just want to do a free write about bipolar, ptsd, anxiety, schizo-effective and my life in general. Wow that’s a mouth full, such is my life as it all points to me.

anxiety

Today was day two of the horrible stomach liquid medicine that I have to down twice a day for a month. Thanks to my sister-in-law I have been able to find something to mix it with that makes it tolerable to chug, Gatorade. I just took tonight’s dose and I am praying that it stays down.

Well besides the tummy issues that have lingered for some time after my gallbladder surgery I have been cycling up and down on this lovely rollercoaster of Bipolar. I don’t see my psychiatrist until the end of the month, another 3 weeks away, and I have been going crazy (more than usual)  and I don’t even know what to tell him when I see him except um tired of this feeling.

Feeling lost and confused as though I have been drifting out in the endless ocean with no island in sight, or shore to reach to. It us troubling that I have these feelings. I mean I have an awesome hubby, Turtle is my best friend and talks me out of my depths of hell moments. He is also a good listener when I am able to find the words. Turtle also knows when to bring me my unicorn water bottle that my brother and his girlfriend bought me, to bring a smile to my face, and sometimes my favorite candy, gummy worms. I love this man.

I also have my girls, Tuscany and Tulip who each bring their smiles and waging tails to me. I call them my TnT team, for that are dynamite chihuahuas.

Also my dad supports me a lot, he may forget at times in an adult and not a child, just like my mother; but I know they love me.

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Bipolar on the other hand doesn’t love me. It likes to knock me down any chance it gets. I wake up and go to sleep with bipolar, that’ll never change. However, my attitude about it can change and should change. I have been trying to be a little more outgoing and understanding, though it be difficult I am trying. I have found at times I give more than i should, more than anything. Some times I put my own foot in my mouth without thinking about myself or those in my immediate surroundings. This is something I need to work on before I lose things/people that I care about.

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I have avoided the topic of my ptsd diagnosis for I have yet to completely accept what happen and move on. I thought I moved on, i mean I don’t think about the situation unless the topic comes up. Even then I try to steer the conversation in another direction. Its difficult. I’m embarrassed and ashamed and mad as hell that it happened, as though it was my fault, even though damn well I know it wasn’t my fault. But my night terrors, mares, and sleep walking state otherwise. Damn I am a mess, a beautiful mess.

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Anxiety is always at my door step waiting to latch on and trickle down my spine, causing me to sweat prefusly, and my mind to race a million miles per hour. Here I have no control and I want it all to stop. Going outside has become a struggle at times, which is no good if you have a dog, or two in my case that needs to be walked outside to relive themselves. I actually like walking my girls, especially when Turtle is with me, I know he looks out for me and the girls more than i do at times. Anxiety is a monster that never leaves me alone, and at times brings out the panic in me. Things that shouldn’t scare me, scare me. Its like all the eyes are on me, eyes that I can’t get rid of no matter how I scratch them away. I am terrified in my night mares when the eyes follow me everywhere. This monster sucks.

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However the monster that occurs with the schizo-effective terrified me still. The hallucinations of bugs in my food, shadows following me, heads hanging off the balcony, black holes (one reason I can no longer drive-will write about this in another blog), and so much more is just plain annoying. I wish I could just blink them out, but I can’t, not yet anyways. Besides the hallucinations I have auditory ones as well. They speak I’ll of myself and others, how I should take my life, run away, give up, not eat, stop my meds, and oh so much more. Does anyone go through this? How do you cope?

I think I am done with my free write for now, since I have dug up a lot of monsters to write this. I will have to go more in depth with some things. I have seriously thought about going back to therapy, but I’m not sure how I would search for a new one. I always have a falling out with my therapist, or they move on without me, leaving me in trouble to soak alone in my horrid thoughts.

 

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