That ‘blah’ feeling

Lately I haven’t cared much about anything lately, this goes beyond my feeling of ‘blah.’ And this is hurting everyone around me, but how am i suppose to care for anyone else if i am not taken care of?

I don’t like where I am with this feeling. Everyday I wonder what side of me is going to be present, as it is not completely my bipolar it is just me. I’ve gotten to the point of paranoia a bit, which is how I know things are bad for me.


Tulip’s Crowdfunding

I received a few inquires about my Tulip, so here is the link to her story, pictures, and updates.

It would truly be a miracle if enough donations are made to cover Tulip’s vet bill. Because of her age, approximately 10-12 years old, she is required to get bloodwork done before getting spayed. This bloodwork includes her tests for cancer, as she has a few bumps on her head and spine, along with having a tumor on one of her mamorary glands that we aren’t sure if it is beigen or malignant.

There is so much to her story, that I’m sure you would love her and want to help. Any donation amount is greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to consider your donation amount.

This feeling of blah is hurting me

For some days now I’ve been having this feeling of ‘blah’ and I’m not quite sure if what it is or the reason for it. This has been hurting me, ever aspect. My relationship with Turtle, our girls Tuscany and Tulip, Pops, and of course the outside world.

Turtle understands to some degree, but then it is on me, not the blame, just the feeling of ehh nothing… words, blah. Almost six years, term b, and it’s not my bipolar, there’s a something deep down I need to explore……..but what is it? How do I fix me when I don’t know what needs fixing…..better yet, if that fixing is me?

When it comes to the girls, Tuscany and Tulip, our chihuahuas it’s about showing/playing favorite. I try to balance the two, I know I could do better, so I try, but even here I feel blah at times. What’s wrong with me? I love them and I even started a fundraiser to help Tulip live better….begining week two and only two donors, my brother and god-brother. I feel a little down because of this, but being on disability really limits what I can do for them when it comes to going to the vet.

Ehh……the words have left me, so to the publish button, to the world I go…..any ideas on how to overcome my blahness?

Receptionists at the Psychiatrist Office

I received a call today from my psychiatrist office to first confirm my appointment then secondly to reschedule said appointment AGAIN! This is the third time they have called to reschedule one appointment. Now mind you the first two times I was like “okay” but now a third call is a bit ridiculous. I mean doesn’t the doc know people rely on him, I know I’m not his only patient, but show that you give a damn about me. What upset me even more was the fact that this appointment was to get my medicine refilled and adjusted and go over my lithium levels. Now when I told the receptionist on the other line this she gave me the attitude of should have made appointment before you knew you’d be out 2.nothing she could do go me about adjustments and lithium levels aren’t that important.

My response was simply,1.i did have an appointment scheduled before I was to run out, but you office resecduled on me THREE times, with nothing but “I’m sorry he won’t be in that day.” 2.of course you can do nothing about my adjustment, you’re not the Psychiatrist are you?! sorry but you’re wrong my lithium levels are important, I could go into shock and die if there is too much in my system.

So yup, I’m pissed. But wait said receptionist also said to call when I’m out of medicine and she will see what she can do! What the heck? Yup, that happened

Help Tulip live a healthy life

As my readers know I care for and love my dogs with all my heart, and sometimes it is out of my means to properly care for them medically with the vet. However it has gotten a bit pricey, so I recently set up a fundraiser for my baby Tulip. Her story began with being thrown out of a Uhual truck window and was found by an awesome lady who fostered her for some days; and with the help of a vet and a pet grooming place, (where Tuscany goes) was able to get rid of an ear and eye infections. Tulip came home to me, Turtle, and Tuscany to her forever home the day before Mother’s Day, with the next step to get an wellness exam where we found out she is 90% blind and completely deaf; we also found out she has a skin infection where weekly baths are needed. Now in order to continue with a healthy life, we are trying to raise money for her vet bill, as an estimate to get spayed, teeth extractions, bloodwork, just to mention a few is beyond our means. Any blessings that come her way are greatly appreciated.

Free write

Today I just want to do a free write about bipolar, ptsd, anxiety, schizo-effective and my life in general. Wow that’s a mouth full, such is my life as it all points to me.


Today was day two of the horrible stomach liquid medicine that I have to down twice a day for a month. Thanks to my sister-in-law I have been able to find something to mix it with that makes it tolerable to chug, Gatorade. I just took tonight’s dose and I am praying that it stays down.

Well besides the tummy issues that have lingered for some time after my gallbladder surgery I have been cycling up and down on this lovely rollercoaster of Bipolar. I don’t see my psychiatrist until the end of the month, another 3 weeks away, and I have been going crazy (more than usual)  and I don’t even know what to tell him when I see him except um tired of this feeling.

Feeling lost and confused as though I have been drifting out in the endless ocean with no island in sight, or shore to reach to. It us troubling that I have these feelings. I mean I have an awesome hubby, Turtle is my best friend and talks me out of my depths of hell moments. He is also a good listener when I am able to find the words. Turtle also knows when to bring me my unicorn water bottle that my brother and his girlfriend bought me, to bring a smile to my face, and sometimes my favorite candy, gummy worms. I love this man.

I also have my girls, Tuscany and Tulip who each bring their smiles and waging tails to me. I call them my TnT team, for that are dynamite chihuahuas.

Also my dad supports me a lot, he may forget at times in an adult and not a child, just like my mother; but I know they love me.


Bipolar on the other hand doesn’t love me. It likes to knock me down any chance it gets. I wake up and go to sleep with bipolar, that’ll never change. However, my attitude about it can change and should change. I have been trying to be a little more outgoing and understanding, though it be difficult I am trying. I have found at times I give more than i should, more than anything. Some times I put my own foot in my mouth without thinking about myself or those in my immediate surroundings. This is something I need to work on before I lose things/people that I care about.


I have avoided the topic of my ptsd diagnosis for I have yet to completely accept what happen and move on. I thought I moved on, i mean I don’t think about the situation unless the topic comes up. Even then I try to steer the conversation in another direction. Its difficult. I’m embarrassed and ashamed and mad as hell that it happened, as though it was my fault, even though damn well I know it wasn’t my fault. But my night terrors, mares, and sleep walking state otherwise. Damn I am a mess, a beautiful mess.


Anxiety is always at my door step waiting to latch on and trickle down my spine, causing me to sweat prefusly, and my mind to race a million miles per hour. Here I have no control and I want it all to stop. Going outside has become a struggle at times, which is no good if you have a dog, or two in my case that needs to be walked outside to relive themselves. I actually like walking my girls, especially when Turtle is with me, I know he looks out for me and the girls more than i do at times. Anxiety is a monster that never leaves me alone, and at times brings out the panic in me. Things that shouldn’t scare me, scare me. Its like all the eyes are on me, eyes that I can’t get rid of no matter how I scratch them away. I am terrified in my night mares when the eyes follow me everywhere. This monster sucks.


However the monster that occurs with the schizo-effective terrified me still. The hallucinations of bugs in my food, shadows following me, heads hanging off the balcony, black holes (one reason I can no longer drive-will write about this in another blog), and so much more is just plain annoying. I wish I could just blink them out, but I can’t, not yet anyways. Besides the hallucinations I have auditory ones as well. They speak I’ll of myself and others, how I should take my life, run away, give up, not eat, stop my meds, and oh so much more. Does anyone go through this? How do you cope?

I think I am done with my free write for now, since I have dug up a lot of monsters to write this. I will have to go more in depth with some things. I have seriously thought about going back to therapy, but I’m not sure how I would search for a new one. I always have a falling out with my therapist, or they move on without me, leaving me in trouble to soak alone in my horrid thoughts.