I want to GIVE UP


Have you ever felt like giving up? Not necessarily life, just certain things like medication? Well I have had these moments more than once, all steaming around my bipolar meds.

To me it’s like “why should I take this pills today, they aren’t doing anything?” “Ehh I’ve gained so much weight with this lithium in me,” “These tremors won’t let me be me and paint,” “I’m always thirsty/ drowsy/ dizzy/ etc,” “I HATE THIS!”


Yes today is one of those days, I just want to be someone who doesn’t have a pharmacy in their night stand and water hanging around. I just want to wake up, stay up, live life, and go back to sleep to start it all over. DAMN! it can’t happen that way. I can’t fall asleep without my pills, I can’t wake and have a mildly decent day without my anti-zombie pills. I would be all over, crawling up and down the walls like Spider-Man or something.

Well has anyone else felt like this? What gets you through?


Photo Challenge: Friend

Most people think a friend is someone that has to be the same species as you or speak the same language, but I’m here to say that besides my bestie Turtle, my friends are Tuscany and Tulip (also known as TnT.)

Yes I talk to my dogs, I even narrate what they are saying back, it’s awesome.

via Photo Challenge: Friend

A Hallucination that felt so REAL

My brother and his girlfriend visited us today and treated us to some Chinese food for dinner, it was yummy with nice conversation throughout the meal. And of course TnT were circling like sharks for scraps. I made a chocolate chip fudge cake for dessert which was also yummy.


Then the dreaded anxiety/bipolar/ptsd struck when I was getting the plates for the cake. I saw something, someone on the kitchen wall and dropped one of the plates in horror and disgust. Luckily I didn’t cut myself anywhere, but I was immobilized for a bit. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the hallucinations that occurred until I finally broke down crying.


I kept telling myself “I am fine” and all. I kept saying it until I actually believed it. But until the moment I believed it I asked Turtle to give me a Xanax and some water.

I felt bad that this happened in front of my brother and his girlfriend, though they understood, I think. I apologized once I composed myself some time later and finally tried a piece of cake.

What a day. Now time to get ready to walk TnT and get cozy for the night.

I survived

Some times I sit and think about all I have accomplished in my 29 years and wow this galaxy has been both bad and good to me.

I survived digging a big mud hold in the front of my mother’s house with my brother.

I survived being bullied in elementary school because I didn’t have a father figure in my life.

I survived my first therapist.

I survived a spree of cutting and my first attempt on my life in middle school. I lost my best friend to gang violence, and my beloved history teacher to a brain tumor.

I survived being part of a sports team, also in middle school. I became a mentor during these years as well.

No I wasn’t in the Girl Scouts but I had a good life, at least on the outside I did, for the inside soon became tainted.

I survived high school and its challenges. My depression and mania sprees hit hard. The rollercoaster was never ending and on more than one occasion I tried to end it, how ever the thoughts of suicide became more ramped. Just thoughts, not actions. If wake up thinking of how I could/should die.

During this time I met and fell in love with an awesome guy.

I survived being layout editor of my school newspaper and literary magazine, along with graduation.

I survived my family getting evicted from our house.

Next was trying to survive college, in which I tried and failed so I did what an sane person would do and enlisted into the U.S. Navy.

I survived seven months of doing nothing else but training and getting into psyical shape. Mentally I told myself I was there, but looking back I know I wasn’t.

I tried to survive boot camp, most of my readers know this is where I sustained my knee and wrists injuries. I survived learning how to balance myself on crutches and all the extra names given my way.

After the Navy booted me I wanted to go back to school. And no I didn’t survive 😦

My mental illness awakened and come out as though a lightening storm had occurred. I was admitted into the hospital where I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 1, now all I had to do was wait 21 days to met with my private psychiatrist. 21 long, excruciating, suicidal days!

I survived those 21 days.

Needless to say I survived my first psychiatrist who treated me as a guinea pig, and therapist who treated me as though I was a fraud.

I survived my parents getting divorced.

I survived being admitted to the psychiatric hospital, for a month, 1 month! This would NEVER happen again. The next time I’d only be in for 2 weeks, then 8 days, and my last was 6 days.

I survived each time I wanted to call it quits in between those sessions.

I survived being reunited with that awesome guy from high school. I survived him asking me to be his wife ❤

I survived my bestie, dying on deployment without me saying that I loved her more than words could speak.

I survived adopting and rescuing our dogs Tuscany and Tulip.

I have survived each of these trials and various others in between and yet it doesn’t seem to be as much to others, but for ME it is, because the point is that I SURVIVED!

As of right now I am a survivor and no one can take that away from me.


I’ve been extremely exhausted for the past week. All I seem to want to do is sleep. I believe I could sleep for a whole week straight and wake up and want to go back to sleep.

So of course I start to think that my brain is cycling downwards towards depression. Damn it! What do I do now?

It has gotten to the point that my anti-zombie pills are no longer working. I take them as soon as I wake up with my 0730 alarm and next thing after walking Tuscany, and Tulip, TnT I am back to sleep where ever I land. Boy am I a complete mess.

I have my psychiatrist appointment at the end of June, and thought about calling to see sooner but I don’t think this is a problem for him. Rather one for me to adjust my schedule and appreciate life with Turtle, TnT and dad a little bit more. What do you think? bottle

Ticking Time Bomb

my bipolar madness

man-ticking-time-bomb-4882651My life has changed throughout the years,as has everyone’s, yet my life changing moment was receiving my bipolar diagnosis. Many in my life at the time said, “Oh I knew it,” “Of course,” and my favorite, “Why are you surprised?” the list went on and on. However, for me it was both shocking and a relief. It was shocking because I thought there was no reason for the way I acted and felt, no explanation to having the classic symptoms of the disorder. At the same time I was glad that there was an explanation and that I wasn’t alone, as I later learned upon doing my own research of people with bipolar disorder.

Today I have been asked, “What has having bipolar taken from you?” In a nutshell A LOT! The main things that I feel have been taken away from me are Time, Money, Friends & Family, Energy…

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Update on Tulip

Well it’s been some days since I have written here in my blog. On Monday Tulip had her vet exam where I found out officially she is blind and deaf, also she has an ear, eye, and skin infection. So we were given anti biotics for all the above mentioned. The vet also approximates her age to be 10 years old, which doesn’t bother me we’ll still love her for how ever long she is here with us. Got some other news about Tulip but right now it isn’t important.


Right now our main challenge is potty training. No she isn’t house broken but has given us signs as to when she will go wee wee. And the training pads out for dogs are a joke! Especially for her who cannot see them. She navigates the world through smell, and yes still bumps her head, not too hard anymore. I want to get her a helmet…. Well enough about her for now, more about my crazy madness called bipolar to come after the walk of TnT