Midnight rant

I am currently in bed thinking about what to write about since my brain won’t shut down. I am having racing thoughts, but nothing enough to focus on one idea to ponder over. So I started reading some of my old journals and came across something that irritated me when it happened and touched a nerve tonight…CHURCH & BIPOLAR.

When I was newly diagnosed with having bipolar I freaked out. Not for the many reasons one might think, such as

  • Crap what do I do now?
  • Medication?
  • Bipolar? Wth?
  • Psychiatrist?
  • Therapy? AGAIN!
  • What will I lose?
  • Who will I lose?
  • And the list goes on…

But no, I was being attacked with thoughts of being Catholic and the Church and what they would say or think about me.

Like anything else I was given some Xanax, calmed down and headed to speak with Father some time after. It felt like an eternity until my appointment, but I waited…..

Father first greeted me with an embrace as I had both volunteered and worked for the church so he knew me quite well….but now bipolar was apart of my life…how did I tell my pastor? Well when we reached his office and asked how I was doing, I just blurted out “I have bipolar disorder.” Soon his face got this disgusted look, I then knew what his answer would be about me continuing my faith in the church.

I was baffeled by the transgression of less than a five minute back and forth conversation.

My pastor who I thought was not to judge, just did that and advised me that my position in the church would be taken away! Wtf? I would have never thought I would have been discriminated against in my church! A Catholic church! Any church!

So what I did was asked if i could do my last confession with him, and proceeded as such. Lets just say there aren’t enough Hail Mary’s to atone for his behavior. I had looked to him as my spiritual advisor for years and this, this is what it had all been reduced to……

………well now I have lost my train of thought as the racing has comenced, so good night…*i may add more to this post if my brain allows

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