Here I am proudly stating that all this time I have thrown my talents aside, giving up on them for the mere reason of my bipolar mind. The creativity was always there, but the racing thoughts/ideas would come and go, as though steps on an escalator.
Now I am stepping outside of my destructive bipolar mind and back into my creative, artistic bipolar mind. My passion for painting is back and steering its way back into existance. I feel that this may be at a cost of some other things placed in its retrograde, though I am unaware of it. This is because I have come to ignore it all and place blame on others, which hurts my relationships with everyone around me.
I do not do it intentially, though it seems to be to others.
When I was given my LABEL I remember I faded away, everything I had built my life around, everything just gone. I had given up and hated myself, just recalling it angers me; this is good thought since I have learned from my destruction. Everything went dark, prospects of a Navy career shattered, prospects of maintaining a healthy relationship vanished, prospects of having children diminished, prospects of stability in EVERYTHING corroded and I hated myself. I remember hating myself for various reasons, however, the one that stuck out the most is that I asked for help.
I know now, today, that asking for help saved my life, just in that moment I felt like a fool rushed into a task beneath them and death to everything was the answer.
The answers in life are not always open and shut, but with this diagnosis the last nails were hit into my coffin and the possiblities of “a well lived life” crashed. Of course now I have a little better grip as I have come to realize that with my LABEL all is not lost; rather some prospects are taken away, with others being within grasps as long as we work for them.
Today I still look back to the past and wonder “What if?” what human being wouldn’t, it’s the fact that I have come back to the here and now. I’m not perfect, I struggle, however, I know I have a great support system to back me up.