Visual and auditory hallucinations are not fun in my opinion, they are scary and difficult to understand. Every now-n-then I experienced one or both of these, yet once I hit my twenties it became a regular part of the day.
At the beginning I was confused and acted as though nothing was there, that I wasn’t hearing anything.
Then before my diagnosis I was sure what I was seeing and hearing was normal, that everyone could her and see what I heard and saw. I began to talk back to my voices and would question people as to what I saw and thought they saw as well. I’d ask, “did you see that?” with me just receiving the response of, “what?”
This continued for some time, until my psychiatrist told me something I’ll never forget, “you are special, I wish I could see and hear what you see and hear.” Now mind you I had a puzzled look on my face because I was seeing the image of a tall male, toned and buff, with crocodile teeth finger nails, octopus arms holding a silver plated pistol, and the skull was on fire, hanging over him. At this puzzled look he smiled and asked me what I saw, I looked down, which DIDN’T help, another image appeared and I ran out of my psychiatrist’s office screaming, out to the parking lot and waited to see if it would all just stop. Needless to say, I am still waiting.
Yesterday was particularly difficult as something new has reared its ugly presence into my head; MONSTERS, DEMONS, DEVILS, take your pick they’re all there. I was able to be composed throughout the day by some miracle, that as soon as the last light went off, with all the guys asleep I let it all out on my anger pillow. I screamed a little and cried a lot, tears streamed down my face as I began the torturous task of putting myself to sleep. Perhaps I should have taken advice from the song 7 Years and go out and make some friends or I’ll be lonely. But what would I tell them about my current status? Is it important? Then I realized something, all these years I just said, “I’m seeing…or…hearing something” with no detail. Now, however, little by little I am describing my visual and auditory hallucinations and its scary. I feel like I being looked at differently and constantly being asked exactly what do I see and hear; and this bothers me since I feel I already am being terrified to death, that I don’t wish to inflict that on someone else. Until next time, G. Merced, erratic.