self questioning


blank canvas

This afternoon I sit starring at my blank canvas and wondering where am I going from here, to what end will I follow this through, and how did I end up here?  So an attempt to answer these questions, plus many more are bound to surface. 

Where am I going from here? Well from where did I begin to start this path of somewhere else? I have no freaking idea! Stay with me if you will, this is my bipolar mind racing, not knowing where it will end up. I may crash along the way, some my stay just for that sheer fact, others will bellow with harmonious rhythm, but as to where I will be only God knows. Yes the big ‘G’ word, why do so many hate it, we all believe in something, even not believing is BELIEVING SOMETHING! Well I digress, I ask myself where am I going from here, today because I am bound by no mercy to stay here I believe. My situation today has me running around as though I am not touching the surface. Bipolar is clouding my mind with all its side effects, I can feel each one breaking me down piece by piece and I finally got myself to be somewhat stable today.


Stability is a gift. Today the voices are escaping through my mouth and becoming verbal occurrences, my mind is racing, and I am losing the battle. However, there is one thing that pulls me back, back to a reality that I wish didn’t exist, one in where yes the bipolar is the president and C.E.O. of everything, but a picture on my white board pulls me back. This is of Turtle and Turtle Jr., some of you may be wondering, well I’ll tell you, it’s my fiance, or boyfriend at the time, with a stuffed turtle I ordered him a little over a year ago. This pulls me back, because I received it while I was in the psychiatric hospital last year and I wasn’t able to give it to him until I returned home a week later. My Turtle smiling at me because of the turtle I gave him is always the insight I need to bring me back. So I know I am going further into the future with them both by my side.

As to what end I will go through to get this goal accomplished and many more, I know communication is key. Without it there is no foundation to build upon, and you must first need this before laying the carpet or tile down. If you go about things backwards, then you will forever be building the same things again and again, trust me, been there, done that, not going back. I will go through anything and anyone to get my goals accomplished. My goals range from getting my medications stabilized, for awhile at least, continue advocating for mental illness(topics coming up soon), fit blogging into my everyday scheduling, perhaps get a part time job that understands my wants and needs, and so forth so on. Eventually I know I want to marry this guy, he is wonderful in all ways that matter and don’t, every day he shows me new meaning as to what the word ‘love’ really is.

Now how will I end up there, getting all my ducks in a line, as it were? With hard will and determination, even on the days that I don’t want to get up out of bed, those are the days I MUST GET UP, those are the days that matter. Until next time, G. Merced, mindful.


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