Psychosis

#mybipolarmadness It is difficult for me, living with this brain that I feel has abandoned me. Every hour of every day is a challenge, where someone or something is always trying to defeat me. Now at times this is not an actual person or thing, rather something in my brain, the voices or hallucinations as they are referred to. This is what scares me.

psychosis_by_viviphyd

Yes with my bipolar I see and hear things from time to time, psychosis. Now I don’t know what others think of this, except the basics of crazy and weird, however I recently asked my fiancé and he classified me as a survivor. Now this made me blush and think of everything I’ve been through, and I didn’t see it that way at first, but yes I’ve been through hell and back multiple times. Travesties have occurred, but I regress, the voices and hallucinations began being more present a few years ago.

Every hour of every day has become darkness for me for the past couple of months. I feel lost and betrayed by my own brain, as though it isn’t me G. Merced in there, rather a foreign object. I do remember asking my first psychiatrist during this journey if it was possible that I had a tumor since it just happened. Well needless to say it wasn’t and I was relieved yet still concerned.

The hallucinations were extremely difficult at first glance as I had no clue what was real and wasn’t, being influenced in such a battle I thought I’d lose. Seeing black holes on the ground, on the walls, ceilings, and on people, including myself was a WTH moment. Then it escalated into seeing people hanging off my third floor apartment, seeing them engulfed in flames or people falling from the sky like rain drops. Hearing a voice telling me to end my life in various ways was then added. Soon after more voices came and I could hear them all either laughing at me, saying horrible things about my family, advising me on how to end the suffering and so much more. Later the issues with bugs in my cup, around my plate and hanging out in the corners of the room came into play. Now this may be all fine and dandy for most people every now and again, but try 24/7/365!

Yes, every minute of the day and even the night. I say the night, for my visual and auditory hallucinations followed me into my sleep, creating nightmares, night terrors I wake up violently from screaming, punching and kicking.

Today has gotten a little better, I am able to depic realiry from  fiction for the most part. Until the monsters disappear, G.Merced, sinus headache

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