Ticking Time Bomb

man-ticking-time-bomb-4882651My life has changed throughout the years,as has everyone’s, yet my life changing moment was receiving my bipolar diagnosis. Many in my life at the time said, “Oh I knew it,” “Of course,” and my favorite, “Why are you surprised?” the list went on and on. However, for me it was both shocking and a relief. It was shocking because I thought there was no reason for the way I acted and felt, no explanation to having the classic symptoms of the disorder. At the same time I was glad that there was an explanation and that I wasn’t alone, as I later learned upon doing my own research of people with bipolar disorder.

Today I have been asked, “What has having bipolar taken from you?” In a nutshell A LOT! The main things that I feel have been taken away from me are Time, Money, Friends & Family, Energy, Respect, School, Work, and CONFIDENCE!

*Time and money-going to psychiatrist and therapy appointments, getting labwork done, and the big one paying for all the medication. And I have insurance, except for a lapse of two years or so. Now as a disclosure for me, insurance only aids with some of the cost, but not all or what seems fair. An example is one of my brand named meds(no generic available yet) is $200 with a savings card(CRAP I TELL YOU.)

*Friends and family- like the common cold or flu, they thought is was contagious. I had a friend at the time that said, “Crazy girl walking, crazy girl walking, she going to stab you.” Now why she said that, let alone loud enough for me to hear was heartbreaking. Those words stung me like a jellyfish and I just turned away leaving her with the battle won. Why? I wasn’t ready yet. Now as far as my family, they began to tip-toe around me, like I was a ticking time bomb. They were afraid, so was I.

*Energy, respect, and school- I was manic for so long that when I crashed, I crashed! I collapsed on the sofa, floor, and chair, bed, anywhere since I wasn’t looking for comfort, rather somewhere to escape to. Now respect is a treasured jewel in my book, but upon my diagnosis respect from society as a whole looked down on me, as though I was a parasite invading the earth.

*Work- this fell out of reach for me due to the imbalances I had, with being applied to medication or the lack there of. The main side effects that have canceled this out has been the drowsiness and dizziness. You see my work needed me to be alert and attentive 24/7, other lived were in jeopardy. I needed to be home, working on a schedule, where I could work on recovery.

*CONFIDENCE- the I don’t care attitude used to be my attitude, however as soon as I received my diagnosis all that went out the window. The littlest things set me off into having a pity-party for one. Tears streamed down my face more than I care to admit, which just made me and those around me angry. I have adopted a version of being anti-social with my anxiety too, so going out is a continuous, adventurous torture, where before I had the let’s get up and go attitude, no if, ands, or butts.

These are just some of the things that I lost up receiving my diagnosis, but now I can honestly say that some days are better than others. Until next time, G. Merced, sunshine!


2 thoughts on “Ticking Time Bomb

  1. Teresa says:

    This is very helpful, I love the sincere way you portray your day by day. The so called normal people don’t have half your courage to be honest about themselves. I’m very and forever be so proud of you.


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